Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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