I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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