when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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