Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
