the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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