tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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