I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
