i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize