So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
