You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
