I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just found puke in my bra..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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