I feel like abortions should bother me more
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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