he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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