So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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