oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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