I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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