When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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