Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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