like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
