my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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