that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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