just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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