Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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