It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
