I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize