I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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