I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
