I faked an abortion last night.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
