I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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