There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
