Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
wow bdsm is so cute
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