i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
