You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
