please come you make the beer taste better
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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