He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
