Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
