Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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