I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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