I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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