I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
