he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I will be naked everywhere
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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