I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
