omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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