i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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