Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
