It's Friday. Sex?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
