if you like me you must not know who I am
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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