I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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