If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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