I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
