No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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