My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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