i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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