I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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