Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
