I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
