Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
