i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
