So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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