my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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