I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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